Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
