I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
