Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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