he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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