Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
