I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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