what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
We left the knife in your bed.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
