I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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