I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
