I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
