Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
