my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
