My underwear smells like fireworks.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
