Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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