I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize