Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
