Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
