What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize