OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
