mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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