Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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