Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Randomize