I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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