Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
