Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
