I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
