I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
