WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
