To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
