I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
