My first STD was from a foam party
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
