i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
