I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
