chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
