Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You are the jesus of drinking
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize