If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Randomize
