I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
