My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
