I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
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