Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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