party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
