Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
love makes seman taste better
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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