Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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