did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
