I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
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