Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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