in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
false alarm, still single
Randomize
