I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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