YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
she told me i tasted like america
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
