I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
