Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
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