I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
