I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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