guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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