Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
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