I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
