i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
