Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
