I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
